Untitled Poem (summon me)

Something strange about this grief Is that I can’t tell

What about me

Is still recovering

Or just different

Can’t tell if I’m stuck

Or still healing

 

What I can tell you is that last night

I put a blanket on the floor

And I laid down

And I pulled my winter cap

Over my eyes

Rolled onto my side

And cried

I pictured myself as roadkill

Because I still fantasize

About her coming back

And she isn’t coming back

But I’m floating over my body

Trying to picture the license plate

That killed me

Anything’s a good distraction

Are you kidding me

Flattened roadkill

Dead and bloody

Who would want to look

If I look too closely

I can see my hopes and my dreams

Trickling into the sewer

Gently, slowly

Red sparkling river

Without its container

Escaping forever

 

People carry their passed loved ones

Forever

What if I’m stuck holding this?

Talk about the short end of the stick 

Missing a grown woman who acted like a kid

Grieving the good girl who treated me like shit

Sold me some bogus future that didn’t exist

Righteous values and ideals—I wish 

Only loved me when I kept my distance

Started strong but didn’t finish

Pulled me close just to hurt my feelings

Outrageous hypocrisy at its limits

Then last year I had a vision

That her body is a burlap sack

And when you cut it open all that left

Is bugs

Tons

Nothing but bugs

Bugs against the black abyss

Thick fabric collapsing

Into nothingness

Made me want to throw up

And that’s the same person

—she’s the only one—

That motivates me to try

The only person that makes me feel alive

Still

Six months

Still

I'm wishing you will

Come back and make me not roadkill

Come back and be not bugs

 

But in reality I was the only one

Loyal over the years

Putting in that massive effort

That was me reaching for your ideals

Trying to live up to your values

Building towards your vision

Brick by brick

I wanted it

I became it

I filled my veins with it

I wanted the welcoming house

And to serve the community

I wanted to raise children

And support your company

I wanted the late nights

Refining documents by your side

Matching your intensity

Everything you wanted in a partner

(Or said you wanted)

It was always me

I didn't change for you

I was trying to show you what I already knew

I am the flower blooming in the dark and cold

I wanted to meet your standards

Because your standards are gold

They pushed me to be better

Right where I wanted to grow

But Jesus Christ I didn’t know

That behind that vast sheet of golden paper

Was a labyrinth of torture

It wasn’t even the pain

That ran me over

It was the tricks

There was no way to complete it

Every finish line took me back to the beginning

There wasn’t an inch of comfortable ground

And no way out except to turn around

I spent two and a half years in that maze

With your double standards and unwinnable games

I can still feel it in every cell of my brain

I’m safe now but I still feel insane

 

But you know what

What do I want

What do I need

Really

Maybe it’s that

I was a warrior inside those corridors

I brought my fire to the darkest corners

I met every challenge

With an energy so enormous

Like I can only dream of now

Playing God’s Strongest Soldier

Playing The Search for the Holy Grail

Now what am I playing..

I’m playing the time skip at the hospital scene

Eating through a tube

Hoping to meet some sweet nurse

Who thinks I’m cute

I’m play fighting with crutches

Alone in my room

Photographing my demons

And spinning monsoons

I guess I'm finally playing The Tortured Artist

How cool

 

You know

I may be a fool

Because I still feel that quiet heartbeat

Of the warrior who wanted to serve her community

And raise her children

 

Or maybe it’s the phantom heartbeat

Of god’s gooiest roadkill

Because how can a dead heart beat

 

Or is it a dormant heart

Waiting for a better woman

To summon me

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