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I press my tongue to the roof of my mouth. An involuntary movement against the pain of the truth I cannot endure. Give me any excuse. My mind desperately searches. My arms shoot up from under the sheets, hands opening my laptop to write a few sentences that had occurred to me. Then just as quickly I shut it again and bring my arms back into the warmth against my body. My eyes dart around the room, looking for something I recognize. The horror sets in. A month ago, when I left I said, “Yes of course I’ll come home, but in a way, I can never come home.” It’s happened. My God, it’s happened. Tears well in my eyes, and I sit up fully now. Committed to the writing. I’ve gotten my nugget. My head droops, my jaw hangs, my shoulders slump. I haven’t come home. In my desperation for relief, I came home to the fantasy of coming home. And after a day or two, the dust is settling and I see that I have no home. I had a home, and I left it.

You know, the story is complicated. I try not to paint myself into a narrative that isn't fair to me, but as time passes I feel it being drawn out like a dead body that wasn't buried deep enough. The way the bones begin to stick out as the land shifts and weathers. And you realize it was there all along. No matter how much and how frequently you told yourself it wasn’t. I am ashamed. It’s a funny thing though. If I yet succeed, my shame will become immense pride. But if I continue to fail.. I feel the voices of a mass of people pointing their fingers at me, telling me, “it serves you right!” I feel god shaking his massive head, watch the tip of his nose travel back and forth across the sky. I watch him look away. I watch my future self wasting away.

Because I am telling you, no matter where I am in the world, no matter how hard I shut my eyes, no matter how long and frequently I find something to distract myself and feel happy—I am always here. Some kind of religion feels thrust upon me now. Nothing works anymore, and I didn’t come home. I think about the rest of my life and cry, “no, anything but that. Anything but that.” 

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