Untitled Freewriting (repair station)

So stubborn Okay

Okay

Okay

On Christmas I cried

And I need to, today

 

Not stubborn

I take it back

Not stubborn

You're hurt

Because a small part of you

Still believed in her

 

That her promises were simply

Delayed

That she really did just need time

And space

 

Do you remember that time, baby

--I know you're mad--

But do you remember that time?

She had

Time to reflect, over the holidays at home,

And she realized she'd treated you bad?

And the only reason she didn't reach out

was because you'd told her not to.

 

And can you count the number of times

You've reached out

Just to find

Her replying, "I've been wanting to talk!"

But never, in the last 6 months.

 

Not a peep on my birthday

Thanksgiving

Or Christmas

 

She let me go

Like I'm worthless

 

And it is so hard for me to accept

That some part of me still believes

She'll follow through

 

-----------------

 

I'm so sorry honey,
She didn't keep her promises

 

It’s okay to let the broken pieces of the story settle now

No one’s going to tell you that you’re wrong

I know that’s what you’re most afraid of

She did it all the time

And now she’s gone

 

You spent so much time lost in her

Evergreen attraction: Endless Excuses™️

That you forgot what you looked like

Funhouse mirrors will do that

 

Wasn’t it weird, and disorienting?

The way you’d say something that was

Obviously true

And she’d drag you through those

Funhouse mirrors until you thought,

Wait, is it?

 

Wait, she said she’d do the thing,

But there are so many good reasons that she didn’t do the thing,

It would have actually hurt her to do the thing,

I’m hurting her by being disappointed that she didn’t do the thing,

Oh God this is my fault for expecting her to do the thing.

Look how upset she is

Oh God I’m so sorry

I shouldn’t have said anything

I’m so sorry

Wait, will you forgive me?

Oh you need time to recover now

I’ll wait

I deserve this

How many more days?

Ah, okay, that’s what you need

And I deserve this because of what I said

I know we’ll fix this later

She said we will

 

Wait why am I back at the entrance

Of this place,

Disappointed?

She’ll hate this

God she’ll hate this

 

CRISTINA!!!

 

 …

 

Give me your hand

Let me show you

Where you belong

This is the Repair Station

 

But she’s not here

 

She’s not here

 

No one’s here!

 

Not yet

 

.. so what does it do?

 

I’ll show you

See this?

See this giant mirror?

 

I walk up to it, expecting to see a monster

I’m not sure why

But there was no monster

Only me

In surprising clarity

I sigh

Have I lost some hair?

 

You have

 

Oh

 

Tell it why you’re disappointed

 

She said she’d treat me better

But she isn’t

What’s this mirror supposed to do?

 

It’s doing it

 

It’s not doing anything

It’s just a mirror

 

Yes, exactly

Try saying it again

 

I look back at myself

I look exhausted

My shoulders are slumped

When’s the last time I changed my shirt

“She said she’d treat me better

And she isn’t”

 

“Do you see it now?

The way that your truth

Is allowed

To exist?”

 

I breathe in and out

 

“What does it feel like,

That she said she’d treat you better

And she isn’t?”

 

I look in the mirror and open my mouth to speak

But there’s no need

I watch the tears stream down my cheeks

I see the corners of my mouth curve up in agony

The image becomes a blur

But I can feel my jaw quiver

I touch the mirror

As I fall to my knees

I wrap my arms around me

And press my forehead

Into the cool glass

I hold me tighter

As my chest heaves

Not only tears now

But drool

Not only sobs

But moans

Cries

Unintelligible

Yet easily understood

By any heart

 

Something in me starts to feel calm

Then violent again

Then calmer

Violent

Then calmer still

I breathe in deeply

And out

In

And out

I sigh

And sit down

 

I blink my eyes open

And smile at my reflection

My beauty catches me off guard

What a lovely, innocent creature

 

I look over at you

“But what does this mirror do?”

 

“Oh you’re funny now, are you?”

 

I laugh

Until I feel myself start to cry again

More softly

Mostly tears

 

“I know what you’re thinking”

You say

“Some people just don’t want to see themselves

Some people are made up of funhouse mirrors

And the only way to be close with them

Is to become distorted, too.”

 

“I want to rip them all down

And smash them to pieces”

 

“It’s who she is”

 

“It is not”

 

“Then it’s how she chooses to live”

 

I take a deep breath in

 

“I’m so sorry honey.

She did make you all kinds of promises

And then broke them.

Whether she’d ever admit to it or not.”

 

“Why am I so scared to accept that?”

 

Being in her Funhouse of Endless Excuses trained your brain to see things her way. It will take time to recover at Repair Station.

 

What if I’m the one with the funhouse, and she’s the one who sees things clearly? That’s how it always felt

 

It is how it’s always felt. You also have the newborn despair dlc. It’s always felt safer for you to assume there was something wrong with you, than that the people who are supposed to love you let you down. But look at her, just look. She leads people on and lets people down. It’s her way of life. It’s how she tries to keep herself safe. You can see the anxiety on her face if you really look. A lot of it’s fake. She’s lost in it, too. You tried to be a safe person for her to be herself around, but she doesn’t actually want to see herself. What could you do? Anyway, she built you up and let you down so many times that you’re broken. So that’s why we’re at Repair Station. There’s this mirror, and we’ve got Thai GLs—

 

Wait what is a Thai GL—?

 

And your best friend is here—

 

Wait is that you, or—?

 

And yeah generally it’s just this cold, dark and gentle place—

 

Is that a dark souls reference—?

 

And you’re going to love it. Kind of. You won’t want to eat for a while, and your hair is going to fall out in clumps for a while too, which sucks but it will grow back, and you’re going to make some cool art! It will take a while, but eventually your brain will heal from the Funhouse of Terror and Damnation—

 

Is that what we’re calling it now—?

 

Yes.

 

Okay.

 

Come here and snuggle with me, let’s watch Blank. The plot is a bit fucked up but get ready for the most beautiful woman any of us has ever seen.

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