Untitled Poem (spectacular)

It's spectacular; the way that I broke
I can’t stop thinking about it
I died
I was crushed
I fell into an endless dark
I lost my spark
It’s remarkable
 
A dead person getting through the day
A crushed heart beating
Groundless yet walking for miles
Sparkless yet laughing
Sometimes, anyway
 
Something died
I mean really died
Something that’s never been dead before
It felt like me
I felt my life taken
I laid in bed, and on the floor
And I had no energy to get up ever again
I really never got up
 
I’ve been inside of me all my life
And I’m telling you something died that never came back
Some sweet smile
Some hope, some faith
It’s all different in here
It’s dark and cold like my garage
Every time I face a minor obstacle
I crumble
The paper version of me that I am
 
It’s not depression
A dead tree on the ground isn’t depressed
It’s dead
Maybe lighting struck it or disease did it in
Maybe a few sprouts are poking out from the rot
Maybe it stood alive for 300 years prior
 
There were a lot of things that didn’t kill me
A lot
I stood for my own decades
And weathered my own storms
Depression, anxiety, heartbreak
And I felt invincible
Never my body, but my spirit
My toddler shaking her fist
My strength at the bottom
My endless hope
My great big love
 
Now I feel like a car that will sputter
But won’t start
I feel like legs that remember how to run
But collapse after a couple of steps
And then all I hear, ringing around in my garage:
Don’t. Get. Up.
 
I put up my white flag
And I go through the motions
Best I can
 
My head resting gently on the peak of my optimism:
Because I’ve never been dead before
I don’t know if sparks come again
 
Maybe faith is a phoenix
I peer at the ground
Stroke the ashes between us
They’re damp with my tears
Like the soil when it rains
I need you
And I’ll never leave you
Little bird
Please come back
 
I can’t do this without you
Did you love the way you died
As much as I do?
We were a rocket in the sky
On a journey to a planet no one else could even see
And we didn’t make it!
Isn’t that spectacular!
 
Please come back
I know it was scary running out of fuel
It hurt to starve, I felt it too
And the moment the radio went quiet
And we knew?
I remember holding you
God damn did we make a mistake
What a mistake it was!!
We died dude!!
We followed no one’s advice,
Went after what we wanted,
And freaking died for it!
What could even be more romantic?
Really, truly living.
 
Please come back
You can be anything you want this time
You don’t have to be a bird
You could be a snake
Or a bear
Or a butterfly
Do you want to move to Thailand?
Do you want to stay right here?
Are you invisible now?
We can play anything you want
I’ll keep watering this sacred ground
With tears until you come back
Okay?
 
Take your time
For now I honor your life, and death
With mine

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